THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS
Many so-called experts have called Plan Nine From Outer Space the worst movie ever made. These people have obviously never seen The Beast of Yucca Flats.
Filmed in a lonely California dessert (weren’t they all?), BOYF stars über-retard Tor Johnson as a (wait for it…) NUCLEAR SCIENTIST!
“Tor like isotopes. Thems is tasty to eat!”
Some spies want Tor’s magical briefcase, and after the slowest car chase and gun fight in the history of retarded cinema, Dr. Tor stumbles onto a nuclear testing range, where he is bombarded with atomic rays that transform him into The Incredible Hulk. I mean, a monster.
"Tor breath smell real nice-like, see? HWAHHH!"
Of course, Monster-Tor looks pretty much like Doctor-Tor, but at this point you have no idea what’s going on anyway.
That’s because BOYF, like many Retarded Movies of it’s era (Eegah!, Robot Monster), was shot without sound to save money. Luckily, Mr. Narrator jumps in to help us out:
“Flag on the moon… how did it get there?”Narration like this doesn’t grow on trees, my friends. It takes years of alcohol, drugs, and shock treatment to render that sort of prose. Writer/Director (and probably Narrator) Coleman Francis partook in all of these, it seems. After a while, the narration becomes hypnotic, especially as you watch Tor stumbling about in the dessert like a giant retarded baby.
"Boys from the city, not yet caught in the whirlwind of progress, feed soda pop to the thirsty pigs."
"Touch a button, things happen. A scientist becomes a beast."
Eventually, like all dessert-stumbling monsters from the 1960's, Tor is shot by some lame-ass sheriff. After Tor gently lies down on the ground and “dies”, a little bunny rabbit hops over and licks his face.
Apparently, the atomic rays not only transformed Tor into a retarded monster, but it made his skin taste like candy! Yum!
If you are a Tor Johnson fan (and really, who isn't?), you need to watch The Beast of Yucca Flats. In fact, you need to watch it every day, while wearing your Tor Johnson mask. Perhaps then you will know how that goddamned flag got on the moon.
