retarded movies

THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS

2004-09-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

Many so-called experts have called Plan Nine From Outer Space the worst movie ever made. These people have obviously never seen The Beast of Yucca Flats.

Filmed in a lonely California dessert (weren’t they all?), BOYF stars über-retard Tor Johnson as a (wait for it…) NUCLEAR SCIENTIST!

“Tor like isotopes. Thems is tasty to eat!”

Some spies want Tor’s magical briefcase, and after the slowest car chase and gun fight in the history of retarded cinema, Dr. Tor stumbles onto a nuclear testing range, where he is bombarded with atomic rays that transform him into The Incredible Hulk. I mean, a monster.

"Tor breath smell real nice-like, see? HWAHHH!"

Of course, Monster-Tor looks pretty much like Doctor-Tor, but at this point you have no idea what’s going on anyway.

That’s because BOYF, like many Retarded Movies of it’s era (Eegah!, Robot Monster), was shot without sound to save money. Luckily, Mr. Narrator jumps in to help us out:

“Flag on the moon… how did it get there?”

"Boys from the city, not yet caught in the whirlwind of progress, feed soda pop to the thirsty pigs."

"Touch a button, things happen. A scientist becomes a beast."

Narration like this doesn’t grow on trees, my friends. It takes years of alcohol, drugs, and shock treatment to render that sort of prose. Writer/Director (and probably Narrator) Coleman Francis partook in all of these, it seems. After a while, the narration becomes hypnotic, especially as you watch Tor stumbling about in the dessert like a giant retarded baby.

Eventually, like all dessert-stumbling monsters from the 1960's, Tor is shot by some lame-ass sheriff. After Tor gently lies down on the ground and “dies”, a little bunny rabbit hops over and licks his face.

Apparently, the atomic rays not only transformed Tor into a retarded monster, but it made his skin taste like candy! Yum!

If you are a Tor Johnson fan (and really, who isn't?), you need to watch The Beast of Yucca Flats. In fact, you need to watch it every day, while wearing your Tor Johnson mask. Perhaps then you will know how that goddamned flag got on the moon.

DEVIL BAT

2004-08-22T22:42:00.000-07:00

I've seen "Devil Bat" more times than I should admit. It may be my favorite Bela Lugosi movie, despite the fact the script, music, production value, and all non-Bela acting are complete garbage.

In the early 1930's, Bela Lugosi was one of the top movies stars in the world. By 1940, he was struggling to find work, playing bit parts as hunchbacks and gypsies at Universal. He started moonlighting at "poverty row" studios like Monogram and Producers Releasing Corporation (PRC), making cheap-ass quickies like "Spooks Run Wild" and "Bela Lugosi Meets A Brooklyn Gorilla".

"Devil Bat" was Bela's first movie for PRC. He plays a kind, grandfatherly, scientist named Dr. Caruthers, who happens to keep a giant blood-sucking bat in his basement. It seems he invented a very successful cologne but never saw any of the profits. In order to seek revenge on the business execs who ripped him off, the disgruntled Bela does what any sane person would do: He creates a killer "Devil Bat" who feasts on anyone wearing his special aftershave.

It's nice to see Bela so happy.

Imagine if Bela worked at Enron. Wouldn't it be great to see a giant bat chasing Ken Lay down the street? How can you not root for this guy?

Of course, as with most horror movies, some do-gooders show up and spoil all the fun. This time, the "hero" is none other than Dave O'Brien of "Reefer Madness" fame ("Play it faster! FASTER!"), who plays some idiot reporter. But we didn't watch "Devil Bat" for Dave O'Brien, did we? Hell no.

"Somebody get this freakin' puppet off of me!"

The only reason we watch any Bela movie is for Bela, and he doesn't disappoint. Using his patented hairpin turn mood swings, Bela portrays Dr Caruthers as a bi-polar psychotic with a heart of gold. From the fatherly pride he shows when inspecting his newly created killer bat, to a "voices in my head" freak out, he is fully committed to his character in every scene.

That's what I respect most about Bela. Even when slumming it in b-movie bores like "Devil Bat", he never let's it show. Despite health problems, drugs addiction, and old age, Bela was always a professional. He did his job, even if the job was shitty.

So the next time you feel like slacking off at work, ask yourself this: What Would Bela Do?

EEGAH!

2004-08-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

"Eegah need friends."

Richard “Jaws” Kiel plays Eegah, a lovesick caveman who just wants to fit in with the local teenagers. Unfortunately, he looks like Richard Kiel. Tough luck, Eegah!

Marilyn Manning plays Roxy, the object of Eegah’s primitive lust. She has the misfortune of discovering Eegah in a cave. Feeling sorry for him, she befriends the big dope and shaves his beard. As with every other “I discovered a caveman” movie, she should’ve left him alone.

Directed by Nicholas Merriwether (aka Arch Hall, Sr.) and co-starring William Watters (aka Arch Hall, Sr.) and Arch Hall, Jr. (aka son of Arch Hall, Sr.), this z-grade drive-in classic was one of several z-grade attempts by Senior to make Junior into a teen-idol. It didn’t work.

Eegah, like many other no-budget films, was shot without sound to save money, so Senior dubbed in all the male voices (except for Junior’s) himself. Another psychotronic pioneer, Ray Dennis Steckler in a cameo, gets thrown into a pool by Eegah. Is it any wonder Eegah can’t make any friends?

BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS

2004-07-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

"Agar, King of Men!"

In The Brain From Planet Arous, John Agar gets possessed by a giant floating brain named Gor, and tries to rule the world.

In one of his craziest roles (and that’s saying a lot), Agar laughs his ass off while he blows up a passenger plane with his Gor-controlled mind. What a kook!

Gor is interested in more than just ruling the world, however. He also wants to get laid! Watch in horror (or delight) as Agar/Gor puts the moves on Agar’s girlfriend, Sally, and tries to cram his tongue in her ear. Naughty brain!

Brains need love too, you know.

Luckily (for Sally, anyway), a "good" brain from Planet Arous named Vol shows up to help... by possessing the body of Sal’s dog!

There’s never a dull moment in The Brain From Planet Arous. Floating brains, laughing maniacs, and talking dogs. John Agar can rule my world any day!

ROBOT MONSTER

2004-06-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

Robotmonster always on outside looking in.

Like most atomic monster/invader movies, Robot Monster was filmed in Hollywood’s Bronson Canyon. And, like most atomic monster/invader movies filmed in Bronson Canyon, it features a monster aimlessly stumbling around sand dunes. But this is no ordinary sand dune stumbling monster, my friends. This is ROBOT MONSTER.

The star of Robot Monster is Ro-Man, a guy in a gorilla suit with a diving helmet on his head. Ro-Man is sent to Earth to destroy the clearly inferior Hu-Mans. Ro-Man tries to be civil (“Is there a choice between a painless surrender death and the horror of resistance death?”), but when the foolish Hu-Mans choose “resistance death”, he is left with no other choice but to use his bubble machine and bombard them with stock footage of little lizards dressed up like dinosaurs.

When Ro-Man discovers the lovely Alice, however, his big evil robot-monster-monkey heart goes all mushy and he starts saying stuff like “To Laugh. To Feel. To Want. Why are these things not in The Plan?” (What is he? A Scientologist?)

Filled with the shame of sexual confusion, he does what most people/apes do: He asks his boss for advice. “I need your guidance, Great One,” he asks. “For the first time in my life I am not sure.” “You sound like a Hu-Man, not a Ro-Man,” his boss replies “Can you not verify a fact?!” The “Great One” then disintegrates poor Ro-Man.

And you thought YOUR boss was a jerk!

Originally shot in 3-D, Robot Monster featured a score by Elmer Bernstein. Yes, THAT Elmer Bernstein! The director of Robot Monster, Phil Tucker, was said to have attempted suicide after reading the reviews. I hope to God he’s not reading this one. “Put down the gun, Phil. Put it down! NOOOO…!”